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Positive Discipline Blog

November 2007

Curiosity Questions

When children tell us something, we are often tempted to defend ourselves, explain ourselves, give a lecture about how they should feel differently, or solve their problems. You can help your child explore deeper feelings by asking, “Can you tell me more about that? Could you give me an example? Is there anything else you want to say about that? Anything else?” You may ask, “Anything else?” several times before your child can’t think of anything else. Trust our instincts about where to go from there. It could be that your child feels satisfied to have a sounding board. You could ask, “Would you like help to brainstorm possibilities?” Avoid the temptation to help if your child doesn’t

From Jane Nelson's Positive Discipline A-Z.

October 2007

Less is More

Have you heard the term “less is more”? If we would talk less, we would help our children so much more because they would feel validated for their thoughts and ideas. Often, they work through problems themselves just because they have had a sounding board. Other times, they feel better because they feel supported even when they can’t think of a solution. The next six tools show ways to stop lecturing or trying to solve your child’s problems, because less is more.

“What and How Questions” – Too many (adults) tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. Telling discourages children from developing their wisdom and judgment, figuring out solutions, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn. Telling them what, how, and why teaches them what to think, not how to think. This is very dangerous in a society filled with peer pressure, cults and gangs.

We help children develop thinking and judgment skills by asking them these kinds of questions: “What happened? What do you think caused it to happen? How do you feel about it? How could you use this understanding next time? What ideas do you have to solve the problem now?”

It is important to remember that “what” and “how” questions are appropriate only when you have a genuine interest in wanting to know what the child thinks and feels. Don’t ask until you are ready and willing to listen.

Be aware that “why” questions are often inappropriate when exploring personal motives or feelings. Asking “Why did you do that?” or “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why are you angry?” sounds judgmental and threatening. It is difficult for people to respond to these questions, because they invoke defensiveness and feelings of inadequacy.

Consider the following example, which shows a parent asking questions instead of lecturing when her eight-year-old’s bicycle is stolen:

Juanita came into the house crying, and her mother comforted her.
Juanita: I can’t find my bicycle. Someone must have stolen it.
Mom: I’m so sorry. I can see how upset you are. Tell me what happened.
Juanita: I left my bike on Sally’s front lawn, and now it is gone. I hate people who steal bikes. It’s so mean.
Mom: Yes, it is. It is too bad we can’t control everyone in the world and make them nice.
Juanita: Yeah!
Mom: Since we can’t control others, what could you do in the future to protect your possessions?
Juanita: Well, I’d better not leave my things out.
Mom: sounds like you learned a lot from this painful experience. Maybe later you would like to talk about what you will need to do to get another bike and how you will take care of it so this doesn’t happen again.

Juanita: Can’t we talk about that now.
Mom: I think we are both too upset now. How long do you think it will take for us to feel good enough to talk about it?

Juanita: How about tomorrow.
Mom: Sounds good to me.

Kindness and Firmness

Being kind is easy for most adults, but they have difficulty being firm. This formula usually leads to excessive permissiveness. Other adults find it easy to be firm and forget to about kindness. This formula usually leads to excessive strictness. Neither formula is healthy for children. Strictness and permissiveness do not help children develop the life skills they need to be happy, contributing, capable young people.

The formula that develops capable young people is a balance of firmness with kindness. Firmness means using appropriate parenting principles with confidence. Kindness means maintaining the dignity and respect for yourself and your child while using those parenting principles.

Wishy-washy kindness invites children to manipulate and avoid responsibilities. Dictatorial power (firmness without kindness) invites children to defy and rebel. Firmness with kindness guides children to cooperate and learn boundaries while feeling secure.

Positive Discipline A-Z, 2^nd Edition, by Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott and H. Stephen Glenn

I hope to use this blog as a question and answer forum this year. Please feel free to send me questions or concerns. If I don't have an answer readily, I can also contact Jane Nelson or other folks who work with Positive Discipline to get help, and will post answers, suggestions or ideas as soon as I am able to find them. Kim has copies of Positive Discipline in the office if you would like to purchase them. I will also be hosting a two day Positive Discipline parenting workshop on November 30th -December 1st. We did one last year and it was a great experience. I hope you will attend.